Faith. It’s a seemingly heated topic these days. Or perhaps it was always that way. So what is faith? The two definitions I want to work with here are 1: confidence or trust in a person or thing AND 2:belief that is not based on proof. I can honestly admit that I have always struggled with faith. On a personal level, I have been doubtful of my abilities in the past and I sure as hell have suffered from low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. On an interpersonal level, I have distrusted even my closest allies, loved ones, and family members. When it came to boyfriends, I had some huge jealousy and trust issues which in essence, came from my almost non-existent self-esteem at the time. And on a more macro level, I definitely doubted the ability of God/the Universe to come through on my prayers and requests. Even worse, I had come to the point of not believing in humankind any longer; that this world has come to its point of no return and on its way down the shitter. But that my friends, was the PAST. I can honestly believe and say that I have a renewed sense of faith. A faith in which even when it’s seemingly dark or things are down, I don’t completely fall apart like I used to.

So how did I get to this point when I had hit rock bottom on the faith scale? Well, it wasn’t easy. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t impossible. In 2005-2006, I was at my darkest and lowest point. My secret best friend was Jack D. I had an affinity for the sweet powder sugar that stained my pillows scarlet, and I popped cutting edge pharmaceuticals that were supposed to help me like they were Altoids. However, around the same time, I was introduced to the woman that probably saved my life. She was my therapist. And that was the start of finally coming clean and rebuilding my faith once again (Note: I say ‘rebuilding’ because I used to have faith and a lot of it when I was younger. A series of events in childhood and my adolescence finally culminated to the dark point where I was at). Anyway, my dear therapist introduced me to some insightful self-help and spiritual material and really instated within me the idea of rose-colored glasses, or optimism. To be honest, every time she talked about seeing the glass half-full or seeing the world through rose-colored lenses, I scoffed at her. I mean, I could’ve sworn that her glasses were actually tinted a rose color. So how was I to possibly see the same way as her? It seemed like a long shot. But I wasn’t forced to go see her. I went on my own accord. I willingly went. Because at the end of the day, I knew somewhere deep down inside of me, I wanted to get better. I wanted to see the world a better place. I didn’t know how it was going to happen but I knew what I wanted. I mean I must have wanted to get better even with all the thoughts and threats of suicide, or I wouldn’t be here writing this right now. And it’s that thing that burned inside of me that kept me have just an ounce of faith. An ounce that would eventually turn into a river. And yes, that river is flowing.

I am at the point right now where I do have lots of faith. Yes, I still have worries and anxieties pop up from time to time. But through practice and patience, I have learned the art of letting go. Lots of people want to be able to know how things are going to work out and inadvertently inundate themselves with fear or worry. That I have learned is what breaks down the faith. What happens is that people don’t believe in themselves that they can do something or worse need proof that it’s on its way. How faith and manifesting works is that it really is a catch-22. You can’t have it until you let go. And maybe people have a difficulty in grasping what that really means (I sure did…or do). It doesn’t mean that if you let go, you don’t want it anymore or it’s of no importance. Quite the opposite. It just means that you don’t worry or fear anymore…you let go of all negative thoughts and feelings associated with it. Just let go and let the river flow.

And there is a beauty to all of this. I have witnessed that when your faith is unwavering and at an upmost high (you have already let go), the proof comes flowing right to you with little or no effort at all. This proof or sign reinforces your belief/faith little by little. The more you acknowledge even the littlest of signs, the bigger ones come crashing at your door…until one day, BAM! You finally get what you’re praying for. And that my friend is your miracle.

Be Strong. Have Faith.

My good girlfriend just introduced me to this Buddhist chant. I have done Hindu chants/mantras, so I already know the science and philosophy behind them. And yeah they do work. It’s all about the sound as sound is the fundamental thing in the universe. It permeates your being, your chakras, subconscious, and essence and transforms your life. She gave an example on how this chant has helped her numerous times. When she first moved out to Los Angeles, she moved in with her boyfriend. That didn’t work out so she needed to live elsewhere. Well thru chanting, she eventually got a good place with another girl (which actually is my friend from college). Then her job came next, and her current employer, Honda, found her…so she didn’t even need to apply to them. And now she has a great new car when before she had to ride the bus for hours to get around. Really it’s an inspiring story.

I believe everything happens for a reason and the fact that she gave this to me especially at this point in my life where I’m seeking change is quite significant. And I found this chant on youtube with Tina Turner doing it. And boy was I blown away. I felt tingling on my body. Then when I finally did it myself, I felt its power. There’s definitely a divine energy within those sounds. Here’s a nice video chant of NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO.

Have you ever heard of the saying that we are all the same? That the essential part of me is the essential part of you? Yes, I agree that we are made of stars. But go down even deeper and some may say that we are all interconnected. We are ONE soul. Now do I believe this? Yes. In fact, you could think of it as one soul or mind having different interpretations. Thus, you have your own life that you see with your “eyes” as I have the same. We are one.

However, life for the most part (at least in the capitalistic society I live in) seems so fragmented and that people are busy being divided and living individualistically rather than as part of a whole. Unfortunately, these types of attitudes get people and societies in trouble as they argue and in the end battle each other for their elusive gold (and kill each other and destroy the Earth while at it). The reason why people act in such ways that ultimately divide is because the ego-self is in control. Now what is the ego-self or ego, you may ask? It is the part of us that constantly thinks and constantly needs reaffirming of its own existence. It is the part that says “I” and creates the illusion of your identity and your individualism. Thus, its very nature is to always create divisions, labels and non-unity (which leads to all sorts of problems for humankind).

Yet it seems to be a pipe dream for everyone to let go of their ego and start working as a whole for the betterment of humankind. Well not entirely. You see, if everyone is really the same thing and is just one thing, then dissolving your own ego would be suffice for the betterment of all. There’s a beautiful and true adage that says: as above, so below. This means that everything is a microcosm or macrocosm of something. Or another way to put it is that you can put forth change in the universe by changing your own universe (your own mind). A lot of people (including myself) have believed that the universe is of effect, meaning that what happened, happened and you are just a product of all things forth and had nothing to do with it (a very victim mentality). Well, I have learned that you have everything to do with it. In fact, you created everything that’s happening to you and that will always happen to you. It is a causal place so that whatever you do has an effect–simply cause and effect. So once you change how you see the world, then everything else changes with it–sort of like a ripple effect.

Now how do you change how you see the world? Well, I really like how Eckart Tolle explains in his book, A New Earth. He basically says that in order to dissolve the ego, you first need to become aware of your thoughts and emotions. The reason for this is that you typically identify yourself with your thoughts and emotions (I am hungry. I am happy. I am sad). But that is false. You are not your emotions or any of your thoughts. You are divine presence. And when you become aware of yourself thinking these thoughts, then they are no longer identified with you because you are outside of them. Then you realize you are much more and much deeper than what you formerly thought you were. You are timeless, divine being.

A step further, you come to the realization that not only is your individual self/body an illusion but everyone else is too. I mean isn’t there only ONE? How can there be a bunch of “individual” persons or souls out there? Well, folks, that’s the GRAND ILLUSION or maya. So whatever you do or say to another is really toward or about yourself; thus, unconditional love is crucial. Once you come to this awareness, then you are able to break free and advance spiritually to become enlightened. It’s not going to be an easy road. Trust me, I am consistently practicing and sometimes (or a lot of the times) the ego finds ways to creep back in and messes you up. But I keep trying and everyday I learn and am more aware and grow as a result. I know achieving true peace of mind is eternal and just plain worth it

In the past week, I have had to reprimand my best friend and cousin about something I think a lot of women (and maybe even men) do to themselves. They sabotage their happiness due to someone else not responding in the way they want them to. In more or less words, they are still stuck on their EXES. Which leads them to being stuck in the past, meaning they aren’t able to grow and become who they really are. I have seen this with myself and I have seen it in countless others: people get so wrapped around their significant other that somehow their happiness is dependent on them. And I have had to learn the hard way but this is absolutely absurd and even dangerous. It is absurd because true happiness comes from within and not from an external source; it is dangerous because one could easily fall into depression if one depends on another for their source of happiness. Trust me, no one will ever do things exactly the way you want them to each and every time–people make mistakes and are human. But what happens is that when one gets in a relationship, one can end up having expectations that aren’t realistic. So many times we expected our guy to text us every hour on the hour or to read our minds that we don’t want them to go out with their buddies tonight. Oh and even worse is when we prematurely start thinking he’s the one and we start making plans. Yeah ladies, you know what plans I’m talking about! So yeah, we have these unrealistic expectations and when they are not met, we go haywire. Okay but let me backtrack a little. Before he (or she or fill in the blank) starts sucking at life, he did make you somewhat happy. I mean how the hell did you guys get together in the first place? I’m pretty sure you were happy in the beginning. He called you. He made you dinner. Life was damn good. But the weeks and months roll by and true colors show. He wants to hang out with his buddies. He wants to focus on his career. Then suddenly that lovely feeling of elation you had at the very beginning takes a nosedive. And then the inevitable happens. You guys break up. And then you cry. A lot. But no worries–there is hope for the heart! First of all, ending a relationship (whether a long-term or pseudo) is the first step to liberation. This is a crucial time where you can assess his behavior, and better yet, your behavior. Yes, your behavior. Think about it. How many times did you get sad because he didn’t do something the way you wanted him to? How many times have you cried because he just didn’t get you–or worse forgotten important dates like your birthday!? How many times did your heart skip every time you received a damn text or wall comment on facebook (didn’t you just love the fact that everyone knew you were his girl?!)? For crying out loud, how many times did he make or break your day by doing whatever the heck he did? Do you see where I’m heading here? It’s really very simple. People end up unhealthily attaching themselves to another and end up losing their identity in the process. Thus, their emotions become intertwined with the actions or responses of their other half. And that is why when a break-up occurs, the person who depended on their partner for their happiness gets royally screwed. Since their partner can no longer be a part of their life, that person ends up suffering because he or she forgot how to be okay on his or her own. And even when the relationship no longer exists, some exes keep in touch way too much with their broken-hearted that the suffering party is restricted of their freedom and true happiness since they are hooked on to the false sense of relief that the manipulation brings.

So how do you protect yourself from ever depending on someone else for your happiness? Simple. You just have to learn how to be happy on your own. Don’t like being on your own? Well you got to at least try. It really isn’t that bad. I used to hate doing things on my own. And then I realized how pathetic that was. Seriously there are people who are so co-dependent that doing things that are actually supposed to be done on their own aren’t even an option. I won’t even try to list those things. But yes, you have to try. I recommend finding a hobby or a passion that you can do on your own. When you’re in tune with what you really want to do in life and actually pursue it, then most of the bullshit fades away. I know this from experience because when I’m in the zone from doing my passion, I ain’t lonely or sad. Not one bit. And when you keep yourself busy with what you want to do, you don’t even have the time to worry about insignificant matters. Oh and friends do help. But then again, you shouldn’t depend on them either for true happiness. Definitely appreciate them for their support but make sure you are completely self-sufficient and whole. In that way, you aren’t sucking on people’s energy in order to fill up yours (this is what we call ‘needy’). Lastly, a true and time-tested approach to feeling good is by simply helping others. Help others in need. Donate unused clothing and goods to your charity. Tutor disadvantaged youth. Assist the elderly. Be a lending ear or shoulder to cry on. Anytime you help anyone in any way, your spirit is lifted. Therefore, make it a natural part of your existence to reach out to others. Remember, your happiness is up to you, and only you. That I can say with absolute certainty.

Jealousy. Now the word doesn’t exactly have the most positive connotations, but it can, if harnessed properly.

After graduating from college I went in search of jobs, even though I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to do. Summer passed and my energies were scattered, still not sure where I was going or what was going to make me happy. A good friend of mine however, a year younger and still in school had an amazing internship lined up in the field of work that I love, broadcast journalism. She was going to work for a major news network covering local and world news. My question (or rather fear), was how had she managed to come so far but not me?

We had a lot in common this friend and I, and I value her dearly, but at the time I was so jealous of her. She was younger and already had her feet firmly planted in the ground. She was off to a great start in a field that I am equally passionate about. I certainly felt left behind, and had that “not good enough” feeling brewing inside of me.

As these feelings continued to simmer inside, and my attitude towards her began to take on a ’not-so-nice’ vibe owing to this jealousy I felt, I decided to write about my feelings as a way of venting. As I frantically scribbled them in my journal so as not to forget anything, I suddenly realized… I wasn’t really jealous of HER per se, but rather, I was jealous of the fact that she had found her passion in life and pursued it relentlessly. I knew the same career and line of work was also my passion, but I had not harnessed it as well as she had. As a result I felt inferior to her, and that’s what jealousy comes down to, it reflects a feeling of inferiority within ourselves.

Everything my friend did had the flair and intention of a journalist and now she had the professional experience to back it up. Where was my passion and why was I not calling it into existence? When I realized this, it was time to stop being angry at her and start taking responsibility for myself.

The jealousy I felt made me angry at my friend, but what had she done to me? Nothing. I realized then and there that part of living a full life is to take responsibility for your life. Taking responsibilty didn’t mean ”beating her up” for knowing and succeeding in her passion, and it didn’t mean “beating myself up” for not having found and pursued my passion earlier.

So what did it mean? Taking resposibilty means embracing this feeling of jealousy and allowing it to guide you towards that which fulfills you, so you feel whole and complete. I’ve learnt that jealousy is never directly about the other person per se, but rather what they have. And I don’t mean a car, job, house et., I mean a feeling, a state of being, that you wish you had too..whether it’s a feeling of being content, worthy, satisfied, fulfilled, loved or loving.

Jealousy helps to tells us what’s lacking in our own lives, what we’re unable to give to ourselves, but wish we could.

So next time the green monster pops up, use it to recognize what the other person is creating for themselves, that you wish you could create for yourself too. Once you start figuring that out, you can start identifying the blocks and working on dissolving them. And of course, don’t forget to thank the green monster along the way.

And did I mention, thanks to my green monster, I’m doing what I love now, I’ve found my passion and I know why I’m here. We all can

[contributed by Shruti]

I love sleep. I really do. More importantly, I love the dreams that we have when we sleep. I believe that dreams are more than just fancy imagery produced by the subconscious. In fact, they are images and stories loaded with significant meaning. I want to share with you a recent dream of mine. So I was climbing these rocks–a tall rocky hill. There were a bunch of people also climbing the hill. We started at the bottom and darted up the hill as if we were in a race. But we were all having fun, behaving like little children, jumping from rock to rock, and frolicking. I can hear the others laugh and chatter about around me. I kept climbing even though the climb started to become more difficult. I grabbed onto a rock to pull myself up even higher. As I kept ascending, the others’ voices diminished into the wind. However, I kept climbing and finally reached a plateau near the top. That’s when I turned around to look at the others. But to my surprise, there were no others. I was by myself on this high-most place. And boy, was the view spectacular! But then I turned my head to the left and right across my way at the same level as I, sat Barack Obama. Yes, our current President Obama. He was in a nice suit perched on a ledge, his knee propped with his arm leaning against it. Obama was looking at the vast space in front of him as if he were in a trance. It really looked like he was coming up with his next plan. What a true visionary I thought! Then moments later, my older sister appeared at the bottom of the rocky hill. She asked if I needed help. I told her I was definitely okay.

Now how can that not be full of meaning, symbolism, and any other literary device you can think of? I’m glad to have dreamt this because it reassures what I’m doing with my life and that no matter what I keep going to the top, despite the obstacles. And of course I was pleasantly surprised to see who else made it up there.

About six months ago, I suffered a terrible loss. The person that I was supposedly in love with (now I was pretty sure this was the first time I experienced real love–I could write a whole dissertation whether or not that was the case) broke up with me. He couldn’t do it any longer. Too much stress. Long distance. Blah blah blah. At the end of the romantic passionate affair, I was devastated–no, wait, obliterated. Of course my outlet was to write about the emotional turmoil I was going through (even during the relationship was turbulent). My experience at The Integratron can delineate some of the strife I went through and my overly simplistic and transparent poems show the aftermath (Solitaire, Jump in the Pool, The Vast Ocean). Anyway, I was crippled once again by unrequited love and for six months, I fell into some sort of daze and confusion about the impeding rupture in my heart. Yes, it does sound I’m a bit overreacting, but then again I’m overly sensitive and this was really how it felt. If you’ve suffered from a broken heart, you know what I’m saying. So for a few months, I found myself crying on and off about the incident, this loss that was surely imminent from the very start (why did I jump into that pool, again?). I would cry on my friends and family’s shoulders, asking for their wisdom. I would read articles and books on how to deal with loss and grief due to a break-up. I would swallow all these bitter pills of advice, but I would find myself choking on them and spitting them out. Because I couldn’t synthesize how two people who were meant to be together could not be together. I was stubbornly and sadly convinced that I had found “the one.” Oh yes, the elusive one. My friends tried to point out how he really wasn’t the one due to contradictions of our goals, lifestyles, and ultimately our beings. Shit, I myself pointed many of these things which did soothe and relieve the issue at hand. But somehow, ego crept back in, and said that because he didn’t want me, I somehow wasn’t good enough. These messages flared up due to an already damaged ego from the past that wasn’t healed when I began the relationship with my ex. Thus, I ate up these messages. They controlled me to the point of depression and stasis. Stasis because I was holding on to a fabricated version of what could have been with this guy. That maybe we could have had an amazing life together, traveling the world, eating exotic foods, and ultimately loving one another till the day we die. CUT! The movie fades and now I’m back to reality. The reality is that I was really just afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid that my heart would never heal. Or maybe I was afraid that it would and there would be more in store for me. Either way, I acknowledged I was afraid and allowed my sadness to seep out and not go repressed. I was going to feel the pain this time. In the past, I couldn’t bear to feel the pain. In fact, I would cover it up–gloss it over through self-medication. Drugs. Alcohol. Prescription meds. Pseudo-relationships. All these didn’t do me any good in the past, so my therapist and I worked on just allowing. Don’t resist the pain but welcome it and then go about your day. So that’s exactly what I did. I let it in. And man, did this pain hurt! I felt it in my gut. In my chest…right in my heart. So many times, I just wanted to rip out my heart and take a gun and put a bullet in it to end the misery (remember depression exaggerates feelings/emotions by at least ten-fold). And then I would regain my senses and realize how ridiculous this all really is. I was sooooo over it. As Chris Crocker, the crazy T.V. on YouTube, would say: It’s a HAIR FLIP! Yeah everyone. It’s just a mother-effin hair-flip. Get over it. A more compassionate way to say it would be: Time heals all. Oh Time. Time, Time, Time. We’ve heard that a bunch of times (haha). My friends would stress how important time was. But well, I was impatient. So for several months there was a battle going on inside. It went something like this:

Will it ever get better? Sure it would. No this really hurts. No one will ever love me. I’ll be alone forever. That’s nonsense. You’re amazing. Way better than your ex. Oh but the pain. F#@$ the pain. You can’t depend on anyone but yourself for your true happiness…

And then I looked at my watch–no, the calendar–and you know what it said. It said that it was MAY! It was already May, and the break-up occurred in January. Good lord! How much time, books, money spent on psychotherapy does it take to get over it??! I told myself if I’m still cynical on my birthday which is in June, then I might as well shoot myself. Okay now that was a joke. But seriously I was at the point where enough is enough. I had discovered hope for hope. So June comes rolling by, and I feel pretty good. Then it was the day of my birthday. And I start thinking about him…oh no, not again. And I go, “screw that, I’m getting my eyebrows done!” So I go to the salon, park my car, and suddenly get a call from an undisclosed recipient. Lo and behold…it was my ex. And he was wishing me a happy birthday. We talked for a long time, and it was indeed a pleasant conversation. And when we finished, I realized something. I didn’t shed a single tear. Not one drop! In the past (we communicated still even though we broke up), I would end up crying during and after talking to him. But not this time. And what a gift that was on my freaking birthday. And then suddenly I felt at ease. I felt lighter. After that conversation, the burden that’s been suffocating me for the past several months, finally lifted. Then and there, I knew that there is truly hope for the salvation of my heart (and my sanity). And now there is no looking back, and I honestly can say I am feeling more alive–consciously alive– than ever before!

“Lucky Man” by the Verve is a song I’ve been playing on repeat for the past couple of weeks. I can’t get enough of it. Yeah it’s about ten years old (or maybe even more) but the meaning resonates with me more than ever. It’s a song about moving on and really finding yourself. I really feel like in this moment in my life and what I have experienced thus far has brought me closer to realizing who I am as a unique individual. I mean I’ve always been a unique individual but now I’m at the point where I don’t need someone or something to say so. In more or less words, my happiness doesn’t rely on anybody else but with myself. And that my friend, is truly liberating. I guess that’s why the singer proclaims that he’s a lucky man.

Lucky Man lyrics
Happiness
More or less
It’s just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, my
Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just where I am

But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?

Well, I’m a lucky man
With fire in my hands

Happiness
Something in my own place
I’m standing naked
Smiling, I feel no disgrace
With who I am

Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just who I am

But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?

I hope you understand
I hope you understand

Gotta love that’ll never die

Happiness
More or less
It’s just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my

Gotta love that’ll never die
Gotta love that’ll never die
No, no
I’m a lucky man

It’s just a change in me
Something in my liberty
It’s just a change in me
Something in my liberty
It’s just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my
It’s just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, my
Oh, my, my