Faith. It’s a seemingly heated topic these days. Or perhaps it was always that way. So what is faith? The two definitions I want to work with here are 1: confidence or trust in a person or thing AND 2:belief that is not based on proof. I can honestly admit that I have always struggled with faith. On a personal level, I have been doubtful of my abilities in the past and I sure as hell have suffered from low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. On an interpersonal level, I have distrusted even my closest allies, loved ones, and family members. When it came to boyfriends, I had some huge jealousy and trust issues which in essence, came from my almost non-existent self-esteem at the time. And on a more macro level, I definitely doubted the ability of God/the Universe to come through on my prayers and requests. Even worse, I had come to the point of not believing in humankind any longer; that this world has come to its point of no return and on its way down the shitter. But that my friends, was the PAST. I can honestly believe and say that I have a renewed sense of faith. A faith in which even when it’s seemingly dark or things are down, I don’t completely fall apart like I used to.
So how did I get to this point when I had hit rock bottom on the faith scale? Well, it wasn’t easy. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t impossible. In 2005-2006, I was at my darkest and lowest point. My secret best friend was Jack D. I had an affinity for the sweet powder sugar that stained my pillows scarlet, and I popped cutting edge pharmaceuticals that were supposed to help me like they were Altoids. However, around the same time, I was introduced to the woman that probably saved my life. She was my therapist. And that was the start of finally coming clean and rebuilding my faith once again (Note: I say ‘rebuilding’ because I used to have faith and a lot of it when I was younger. A series of events in childhood and my adolescence finally culminated to the dark point where I was at). Anyway, my dear therapist introduced me to some insightful self-help and spiritual material and really instated within me the idea of rose-colored glasses, or optimism. To be honest, every time she talked about seeing the glass half-full or seeing the world through rose-colored lenses, I scoffed at her. I mean, I could’ve sworn that her glasses were actually tinted a rose color. So how was I to possibly see the same way as her? It seemed like a long shot. But I wasn’t forced to go see her. I went on my own accord. I willingly went. Because at the end of the day, I knew somewhere deep down inside of me, I wanted to get better. I wanted to see the world a better place. I didn’t know how it was going to happen but I knew what I wanted. I mean I must have wanted to get better even with all the thoughts and threats of suicide, or I wouldn’t be here writing this right now. And it’s that thing that burned inside of me that kept me have just an ounce of faith. An ounce that would eventually turn into a river. And yes, that river is flowing.
I am at the point right now where I do have lots of faith. Yes, I still have worries and anxieties pop up from time to time. But through practice and patience, I have learned the art of letting go. Lots of people want to be able to know how things are going to work out and inadvertently inundate themselves with fear or worry. That I have learned is what breaks down the faith. What happens is that people don’t believe in themselves that they can do something or worse need proof that it’s on its way. How faith and manifesting works is that it really is a catch-22. You can’t have it until you let go. And maybe people have a difficulty in grasping what that really means (I sure did…or do). It doesn’t mean that if you let go, you don’t want it anymore or it’s of no importance. Quite the opposite. It just means that you don’t worry or fear anymore…you let go of all negative thoughts and feelings associated with it. Just let go and let the river flow.
And there is a beauty to all of this. I have witnessed that when your faith is unwavering and at an upmost high (you have already let go), the proof comes flowing right to you with little or no effort at all. This proof or sign reinforces your belief/faith little by little. The more you acknowledge even the littlest of signs, the bigger ones come crashing at your door…until one day, BAM! You finally get what you’re praying for. And that my friend is your miracle.
Be Strong. Have Faith.
