Back in the first week of October 2008, I was stressed. Not only that, I was extremely unhappy. I was going through a difficult period as I was trying to finish up shooting a project of mine on top of dealing with separation anxiety as my boyfriend had left for his home country. Yes, that’s right. I’m in a long-distance relationship…Los Angeles to Milan to be exact. Anyway, all this had fallen upon me. Even though I knew it was inevitable for him to leave me, I just couldn’t handle it. Somehow I had to get my mind off the sudden separation. I had to get busy or I would fall into depression…again. “No,” I told myself. “Not this time.” Okay so I needed to do something about my life and not just waste away in my room (which I found myself doing constantly). Thankfully, I have wonderful friends that I could count on to feel better. I was going to start anew by the time the weekend rolled by. First, I went to Manhattan Beach to do some relaxation with a friend of mine. However, while she was totally relaxing and even snoozing on the sand, I was in some frenetic mode of thinking. I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t lay down and sleep. My mind was bombarded with unpleasant thoughts. I was so frustrated…I mean wasn’t the beach supposed to relax one’s nerves?! But it didn’t. So later that night, I went out with a group of girls to some clubs out in Hollywood. We all looked dolled up and pretty and got in VIP to wherever we went. This meant that all the alcohol was gifted to me, so how could I resist? Oh how I drank the night away. I was there in the midst of drunk Hollywood-types and blasting hip-hop, drowning in my sorrow. Again, this was making me frustrated as I didn’t get the relief I was seeking. Sure, the alcohol made me feel different but I was still conscious of my sadness. As I looked around me to the populous, I felt a mix of ecstasy and sadness amongst them. Some were hysteric having a wonderful time (or seemingly wonderful), but most looked like me. Lost. Alone. Sad. Okay, I knew I wasn’t going to get happy if my surrounding was just a farce. After the clubs, my girlfriends went to the nearest 24-hour diner to get some grub. I found myself at IHOP in no time. Funny, I thought. I’m out at ritzy places in Hollywood and I end up at a IHOP. That’s how my friends and I back in Kansas used to roll. I guess some things never change. Anyway, as my girlfriends indulged in greasy breakfast food at 3 am, I on the other hand indulged in talking about my problems. I was trying to get advice from my fellow females who definitely had their fair share of alcohol. They were totally giving me their 2 cents on the trajectory of my relationship. “Oh since he didn’t say that, then the relationship can’t go anywhere.” I put my head in my palms. I mean I got what they’re saying. I’m a girl too you know. But my heart couldn’t let go of the idea that my boyfriend and I were meant for each other…
At six in the morning, I found myself driving home. I was sober already. I took a mini nap since I had to be over at my friend Phil’s by 8 am. I was going to the desert. We carpool with a couple others to a place called The Integratron. Right smack in the middle of the desert somewhere east of Los Angeles. Yeah I didn’t know much about it before I got there. But this is what it says on The Integratron’s website:
The Integratron is an acoustically perfect tabernacle and energy machine sited on a powerful geomagnetic vortex in the magical Mojave Desert.
Yeah, who knew about this structure? Well, some people did know and somehow word got to my friends. When Phil asked me if I wanted to come along, I was all about it. I mean what The Integratron represented was right up my alley. At the site, they performed a quartz sound bath that is said to have healing properties. Um, yes! This is exactly what I needed. So we enter the funny-looking dome which had spokes coming out of it. If you didn’t know any better and it was night, you’d probably mistaken it for a UFO. Then again, the builder of the place, George Van Tassel, was convinced that aliens abducted him and told him to build this structure on a geomagnetic vortex. Wow. So me and a bunch of other people (probably around 20) place our blankets and mats down so we can lay down and relax as the sound bath takes place. Another thing I learned: healing sound baths. This woman struck quartz crystal bowls to produce varying frequencies of sound. The sound resonated throughout the dome chamber, relaxing our nerves…calming our fears. I could truly say that I in that moment, I felt okay. And I haven’t felt okay that whole week. Yes, I had a breakthrough. After the healing session, I talked to one of the ladies that ran the place. She was an older woman…a bit quirky but seemed to have ageless wisdom. I started talking to her about one of the intentions I placed within the dome. Supposedly, whatever you desire or intend within the dome, it is magnified or charged for you since it is on top of a vortex. That’s pretty cool, I thought. So I told her about my desire to be with my boyfriend. She advised me to be careful. Careful of what? She said that whatever happens in this time-space reality is only due to the fact that it is aligned with your higher self. But what’s good for yourself may not be in tune with another’s higher self. Basically speaking, everyone has their own will. So even if I truly knew he should be with me, my boyfriend ultimately has to make that decision. Then I ask this woman if she is married or have a partner she truly loves. She responds, “I’ve been on a solo journey for a very long time.” :/
After we finish our time at The Integratron, we head even more to the middle of the desert to hang out at Giant Rock. Yes, just as the name implies, it’s a freaking giant rock separated from all the other rocks that make up the hills. For the next 6 or so hours, we spent our time in this location. Well, we did ingest a piece of fungi that helped us on our way to self-discovery and insight. Yes each one of us had ideas, thoughts, and emotions streaming from our altered state of consciousness. As I was embracing the feeling of colorful and vivid imagery I was also going through some sort of catharsis. I was letting my heart just feel and flow with emotions without hindering it. I mean this is what I truly felt and why stop it. I can feel like this if I freaking feel like it. And boy did I feel such mixed emotions. Emotions of sadness, happiness, confusion swirled in my endless brain of mine. God, the mind works in mysterious ways because as all this seemingly haphazardness was going on, I was able to actually process some sort of logic behind the emotions. I came to the realization that it’s okay how I felt. It’s okay that I love someone even when it’s not exactly reciprocated the same way. It’s okay because that’s how I truly feel and that I was able to express it. I cannot hide the truth. The truth shows and at the very least I was able to give a piece of my heart no matter how hard it can be, especially in this generation of ours. Oh well. That’s love for you.
