In the past week, I have had to reprimand my best friend and cousin about something I think a lot of women (and maybe even men) do to themselves. They sabotage their happiness due to someone else not responding in the way they want them to. In more or less words, they are still stuck on their EXES. Which leads them to being stuck in the past, meaning they aren’t able to grow and become who they really are. I have seen this with myself and I have seen it in countless others: people get so wrapped around their significant other that somehow their happiness is dependent on them. And I have had to learn the hard way but this is absolutely absurd and even dangerous. It is absurd because true happiness comes from within and not from an external source; it is dangerous because one could easily fall into depression if one depends on another for their source of happiness. Trust me, no one will ever do things exactly the way you want them to each and every time–people make mistakes and are human. But what happens is that when one gets in a relationship, one can end up having expectations that aren’t realistic. So many times we expected our guy to text us every hour on the hour or to read our minds that we don’t want them to go out with their buddies tonight. Oh and even worse is when we prematurely start thinking he’s the one and we start making plans. Yeah ladies, you know what plans I’m talking about! So yeah, we have these unrealistic expectations and when they are not met, we go haywire. Okay but let me backtrack a little. Before he (or she or fill in the blank) starts sucking at life, he did make you somewhat happy. I mean how the hell did you guys get together in the first place? I’m pretty sure you were happy in the beginning. He called you. He made you dinner. Life was damn good. But the weeks and months roll by and true colors show. He wants to hang out with his buddies. He wants to focus on his career. Then suddenly that lovely feeling of elation you had at the very beginning takes a nosedive. And then the inevitable happens. You guys break up. And then you cry. A lot. But no worries–there is hope for the heart! First of all, ending a relationship (whether a long-term or pseudo) is the first step to liberation. This is a crucial time where you can assess his behavior, and better yet, your behavior. Yes, your behavior. Think about it. How many times did you get sad because he didn’t do something the way you wanted him to? How many times have you cried because he just didn’t get you–or worse forgotten important dates like your birthday!? How many times did your heart skip every time you received a damn text or wall comment on facebook (didn’t you just love the fact that everyone knew you were his girl?!)? For crying out loud, how many times did he make or break your day by doing whatever the heck he did? Do you see where I’m heading here? It’s really very simple. People end up unhealthily attaching themselves to another and end up losing their identity in the process. Thus, their emotions become intertwined with the actions or responses of their other half. And that is why when a break-up occurs, the person who depended on their partner for their happiness gets royally screwed. Since their partner can no longer be a part of their life, that person ends up suffering because he or she forgot how to be okay on his or her own. And even when the relationship no longer exists, some exes keep in touch way too much with their broken-hearted that the suffering party is restricted of their freedom and true happiness since they are hooked on to the false sense of relief that the manipulation brings.
So how do you protect yourself from ever depending on someone else for your happiness? Simple. You just have to learn how to be happy on your own. Don’t like being on your own? Well you got to at least try. It really isn’t that bad. I used to hate doing things on my own. And then I realized how pathetic that was. Seriously there are people who are so co-dependent that doing things that are actually supposed to be done on their own aren’t even an option. I won’t even try to list those things. But yes, you have to try. I recommend finding a hobby or a passion that you can do on your own. When you’re in tune with what you really want to do in life and actually pursue it, then most of the bullshit fades away. I know this from experience because when I’m in the zone from doing my passion, I ain’t lonely or sad. Not one bit. And when you keep yourself busy with what you want to do, you don’t even have the time to worry about insignificant matters. Oh and friends do help. But then again, you shouldn’t depend on them either for true happiness. Definitely appreciate them for their support but make sure you are completely self-sufficient and whole. In that way, you aren’t sucking on people’s energy in order to fill up yours (this is what we call ‘needy’). Lastly, a true and time-tested approach to feeling good is by simply helping others. Help others in need. Donate unused clothing and goods to your charity. Tutor disadvantaged youth. Assist the elderly. Be a lending ear or shoulder to cry on. Anytime you help anyone in any way, your spirit is lifted. Therefore, make it a natural part of your existence to reach out to others. Remember, your happiness is up to you, and only you. That I can say with absolute certainty.
